In my last blog i touched on my difficulty in finding the support i need. Or, let me put it another way. Support I am afraid to ask for. I often think only other survivors (and my counselor) can understand my emotions,reactions, and fears. And only they can handle them and give me support. I am not sure I am 100% wrong. I assume the few people I trust would not get me, would pity and the worst thing they would leave me.
I am not sure anyone knows how to support me--including me. My feelings can be very intense and overwhelming and it may frighten people. Being that i did not have much support growing up there are a few items I want. I must be heard and I need to know others thoughts and any feedback they can give me. I also find it impossible to be completely honest when it comes to suicidal thoughts and cutting. Years and years ago i was locked away because i was honest and could not agree not to try and kill myself. My therapist at the time (and my soul supporter) had me committed. I wish she had been honest and told me what would happen if i did not agree. I may not have changed my answer, but I would have welcomed the opportunity to make my own deceison.
By putting me away she, unknowingly, triggered a flashback of sorts. I was trapped again (as i was when those men abused me) and I had no escape. I went along with the abusers and the people at the hospital. I did what i had to survive. For this reason i can not be totally honest when i ask for support. There is that fear (it is a huge, scary demon) that i will end up locked away. I do not think i would come out alive if that happened. Am I the only one unable to ask for support and then to be honest?