Sitting with Feelings

I do not know how you feel about this advice, but as for me i can throw this advice out the window. There is no way i can sit with my intense, deep feelings of sadness and despair without wanting to die and perhaps making an attempt. Which is why cutting comes in handy. When i do cut i am not making a suicide attempt OR looking for attention. I am relieving the emotional pain. Does this ring true for anyone else? I do not have anyone i can turn to who i trust enough not to betray me. To betray me means to call the authorities and have me locked away. On the occasion i do make a call i simply say i wish i was not here. I have to keep myself safe and free. I never had those 2 items when i was a child so i am more sensitized to having those today.

And, to be completely honest I think it is not a big deal if i was not here. I have given nothing to the world, and i have made no difference. Perhaps, then i could sit with the deep sadness and if i made an attempt it might not be such a bad thing. I am not sure. This whole issue of sitting with my feelings is beyond my understanding and ability. Stronger people then me (maybe you) can do this and I salute you and am proud of you. Is there a secret you could share with me?

I imagine some people may say it is how I "think" and i need to change that. Easier said then done. Thank for listening everyone. I am open to feed back. Please keep it constructive.