Needing People

This is going to be a short blog as i feel awful and have no desire to write.

I am ready to cry. I woke up this morning (2 days ago) and all i could think of was: I hate my life and my body. And i wish i was not here. I still went to work and pretended I was fine. I am not. I came home and wanted to cry. When I was in the shower i wanted to slash my arm, but people would see it. I did not do it, although i wanted to do something. I could cry, but it is buried too deep. At times like this i wish i had someone to call. But i can't. There is no one i trust enough to tell them i want to harm myself and not have them call the police. I refuse to take that risk.

To me needing people is admitting I am vulnerable and to to do that I give people power over me. They could hurt or reject me or both. I would rather feel like hell then risk that.

Does anyone else feel this strongly?