**counselor and therapist are interchangeable for this blog.**
I have not one once of expertise in finding the right counselor for anyone but me. But, I can share my experiences. I have been lucky sough to find some great counselors through out my life. Yes, it has been a lifelong struggle to heal. First, it was depression and then a misdiagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and now both depression and PTSD. I know each of the women counselors (yes, I can only see women) had their own wisdom to share with me. It does take me a long time to trust (as I am sure many of you understand) and I do trust as much as I am able. This week was a breakthrough for me.
I was able to share tears. I imgaine this may sound odd to some people, however for me, this is my life. Tears are mine. I felt as everything was taken from me as a child and all I had were tears. They are mine and not meant to be shared. I cried alone and still so as an adult. This week in my session i was able to say aloud "the abuse made me ugly". Let me clarify I mean my body. My heart is filled with love and i am always caring for those around me.
I was scared to say this out-loud, but I took the risk. I am glad I did as i received reassurance that the abuse did not make my ugly. I still do not believe that. Next, i was able to describe how i feel. I have a super diffciult time doing this so when i found the perfect word i shared. The word is broken. I feel broken, Shattered. Like a broken vase. I shared the image i saw and when my counselor shared hers we were both crying. I was touched beyond words, I am still surprised another person would cry for me and my past. Guess i do not buy into the fact I am worthy of someone else's tears. I know she is who i need in ,my life now. And her patience is unbelievable as I am a frustrating and difficult client.
With all this said I advise and encourage you to keep looking till find the one clicks with you. I know this is hard as most insurances have a limited number of approved providers and some insist you only see a psychologist or psychiatrist. For me (this is my opinion) those two types of providers (I have seem both) are not real. They have no affect in face, body or words.I might as well talk to a wall for all the feedback and help I receive. I must see and feel caring and empathy.
Please open every door in your search and realize it my take more then one visit. However, if you get a gut feeling this is not a good fit....leave. You desrve to heal in a safe and warm environment with a person who cares.