I am back after a break when i tried medication for my depression. It did not help and only made me more numb and unable to write. But, that is another blog. I am going to chat about a subject i believe i have touched on before, but it is back. Why is it that some people seem to heal quicker then others? What am i doing wrong? Do they have some support I do not?
I am very frustrated with myself. I should be further along then I am. I am stuck and I hate it. Intellectually I know the abuse happened. But, in my gut, I can not believe it. I believe there are horrible people out there who do disgusting things what i can't get is that I was that child who was hurt. I am afraid if i accept and thus have to deal with the emotional pain I will kill myself. I can only deal with bits and pieces of the pain and then i end up cutting. What am i doing wrong? I need to fix this sooner then later. I am not getting any younger and yes ! i know i say this a lot. I do wish there was another survivor who could advise me.
My therapist suggests (or maybe informs me) this denial affects my whole life. I sort of get it--but all i see is it affects my inability to have a romance with a man and reflects how much i hate my body. While I do not trust easily this is my choice. I ONLY deserve good, honest, kind,loving and trustworthy people in my life, And they are rare and more precious then rubies. (Love rubies !) Now, i go back to the beginning of this blog issue. How do i accept and BELIEVE it was me. Little me. And stay safe at the same time? Because I do not believe it matters if I am here or not--yet others around me care. I am lost.