Is it My Fault?


I am addressing this issue today as I have and still do struggle with it. Fault. It does not matter if the logical part of me knows it is NOT my fault; the emotional side has not caught up. I am not sure it ever will. For me to acknowledge this fact I have to accept I was helpless and trapped. And, also, that my feeling that no one cared is valid. It is a feeling and i have to honor that. I am very careful who i pick to share myself with as that child part believes no one cared and should not be trusted. The adult me still recolonizes that as true. I have to depend upon myself only and t his can be a very lonely place.

I run circles in my head. If no one was there then 1) I am not important and 2) I must have done something wrong and I must be bad. Maybe I was too cute, funny, flirty,seductive and or inviting. I do believe I was an easy target and the attackers could see i was lonely, had no one to turn to, and would never tell. Ever. It is difficult to figure out, and i suppose, it is not imperative i know. I still wonder.

When i am feeling strong and positive I know I did not cause this abuse to happen. Maybe the adults around me were too busy, refused to see or trust their gut feelings, or any other reason. That still does not make it my fault. The perpetrators are where the fault MUST be. I can not say out loud "It is not my fault" and know it is 100% correct. I am open to suggetions from other survivors as how to accept and embrace this truth. On a last note I can say to any other survivor it is not your fault and know that is the truth. Am I the only one who can do this?


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