Happy Independence Day

Happy Day to all my readers. I have been thinking about this day and what it means to me. Or,what i wish it could mean to me. Do not get me wrong I love America and am proud to be a citizen. I am speaking more of a personal independence. Or, what feels like a missing slice of my life.

I am free in so many ways, except for the one that haunts me. I can not seem to get free of the horrors. It is not in my conscious mind every minute, however i cannot say a day goes by I don't remember or feel the sadness. I wonder why am i stuck here? What am i doing wrong? I do believe i am holding onto it because i am getting something from the pain. I do not know what that mysterious "thing" is. I also know i will never, ever be completely free of the flashback and damage done to me. I can only live with them and make sure they do not strangle me to despair and death.

Then, what can i do? I am considering a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), however that presents me with a huge problem. I am unable to contract with this therapist that I will not cut. I can contract not to kill myself .As i have said before cutting is the onnly outlet i have found that relieves the overwhelming emotion I sometimes feel. If there was an option I could find (and use) to replace the cutting i would try. Let it be known i have tried other avenues (ones i am-willing to do) and nothing is ever as satisfying. Nothing else helps. I do not know if this approach (EMDR) will honestly help,. but what do I have to lose? Maybe this approach will give me some freedom and independence.