I have found this port very difficult to write. I end up crying while writing and each time I do a rewrite. It is not the friend's section as much as the lovers. Read on for more and you may understand and relate more then i realize.
I love my friends to spite the face I can not always be totally honest withe them. They are there when I am brave enough to call or email. And they are fun to be around to have coffee or chat on line. I think, though i am doing something wrong. I am there for them. Always. When they contact me I will be aside everything to support and advise (if they want) them. However, I have noticed, most of the time, I am first to make contact. Am I giving of a vibe they tells friends not to call? Or, am i so scary and my issues so depressing that they do not want to speak to me? This makes me very sad and I do not know what to do. Any suggetions? Are they just too busy? or is it really me?
Next, the lover section. I have never had a lover, fallen in love, dated or been kissed. Never being kissed convinces me i am abnormal. Very abnormal. I can not believe any man would to date me. I know i am fat and ugly and, in some ways, unlovable. However, my heart is good. I do daily acts of kindness, always think of others, and send smiles into the world. But, the outside of me is gross and disgusting. No good man is going to want me. I sob whenever this issue rears it's ugly head and I can not ignore it any longer. When this happens I cut. It is the only way i can return to calm and centered. Nothing else works and i have tried countless techniques. I want so badly for romantic love and know it will not happen for me. So, now I am hoping for the desire of romantic love to disappear and never come back. Ever.
Does anyone else feel the urgent need to banish the wish for romantic love?