Flashbacks

I am sure each of us survivors has their own type of flashback. For me they are emotional ones. I don't see images. I feel. It is as if that fear or sadness is happening now. Part of me knows it is 2019 and those events were many, many, years ago. However I can not convince the little girl who lives inside of me that those horrific events are not happening now. Because she is not grown up and never will be. It is up to me to take care of her.

One of the most difficult things for me to do is sit with those emotions and feel them. I can not do that. I have to stop the pain and most of the time I end up cutting. On a rare occasion i can scribble on my body with a water soluble marker and get some relief. I am petrified that i will kill myself. It is too overwhelming and I need to escape. My counselor and I have tried almost every technique to relieve the stress and not one of them has worked.

To stop the risk of flashbacks I avoid the triggers i am aware of. I honestly hope there are no more. I think i need to accept that flashbacks will be part of my life forever. What i want more then the flashbacks to stop is for the past to be erased. This is so sad for me, but at least i know what i am up against.

Doe anyone have a story to share? Or a technique I can use to help me thru the flashback and/or its after effects?