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Cutting and EMDR

I am so depressed and frustrated. I was willing to try EMDR. Willing and afraid, but it is not possible because i cut. While I understand the reasons my emotional side feels like I am being forced to make a decision i can not make. Cutting is my coping mechanism when i am dealing with the sexual abuse. And I do not cut all the time when faced with this discussion. I do not have another way. Trust me that my therapist and I have been searching. Nothing calms me down like a cut. Nothing. I can not stop for myself as I am not important and I am not hurting anyone. I do not count.

The other piece is that i have to do this alone. Again. As i have for most of my life. So, I will do my version of EMDR (this will be my 2nd time) and see what happens. Cutting is an addiction and I can not stop cold turkey. I am hoping the counselor understands this and what she is asking. I KNOW!!!!!!!! Those are the rules they have to abide by, but it feels like i have been abandoned. Crying is all i do when i think about this. I have though of lying (and it may come to that) or find another sort of self harm and not tell. Those are options.

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