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Behind The Mask

Yes, I am a hider. I hide behind a smile mask all day at work when I am in the public eye. When i get home I am exhausted. I can not got to work and be myself. I am quiet, shy and sad. That is not acceptable at my work place. At work you are expected to leave all our issues at the door. I do that as I need a job. So, i wear a mask.

I have hidden my true self my whole life and most people believe i am happy. They want to be around me and while that is a postive they sap my strength. It is as if they put an IV in my arm and drain all my pretned happy and energy. I do not know how to escape from the person i created. Deep down I do not believe anyone would want to be my friend if they know the truth of my life and pain. They would not be able to handle me for very long. I do think i can be very exhausting to know. I can he real when i am around people i trust, however there are very few of those people in my life. I blame most of this hiding technique from the abuse. To survive I had to hide and pretend i was okay. I do not remember if i was threatened, but i would not be surprised if i was. I imagine if i told and did not pretend then i would be hurt even more by those men. I never tested that belief. Vulnerable is not a word i am comfortable with.

I love the days i can stay home alone or go out and not pretend. I can be quiet and no one asks what is wrong? or are you okay? I feel most real at these times. Is there an answer? Can i escape this roller coaster ride ? And do i want to come out of hiding? Does anyone else hide? And if yes, do you want to stop?

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